Improving Marriage

I am always looking for ways to improve marriage - I'm definitely not an example in that department yet and need all of the help I can get. I found "Five Things You Can Do to Improve Your Marriage" and wanted to share:  (http://marriage.about.com/od/marriagetoolbox/a/fiveimprove.htm)

1 - Don't take each other for Granted
I'm glad they listed this first. This to me, is one of the hardest things. We all get in our routine and forget about how much our spouse does for us - how much they love us when no one else does - how we are sharing our entire lives with them and no one else. It's a pretty big task and we need to thank them for putting up with us. :)

2 - Work Together to Improve Your Sex Life
I approach this subject delicately because of it's intimate nature. But let's not forget that physical intimacy is an important part of the way that we connect to our spouse in a way that is only between the two of us. It's essential to talk about this aspect of our marriage - not necessarily in a dirty way, but in a romantic way. Leave love notes for your spouse, flirt with them, plan on alone time, etc. Remember that not only is this a special and sacred part of your relationship, it is one that can help you grow together. 

3 - Agree to Do Your Share of Chores Around the House
This has been the hardest problem for my husband and I to figure out. My parents did things one way and his did things another way growing up and now we have to find out what works best for us - who does the dishes? Who's making the kids their school lunches? Find what works best for you and stick with it! We want our marriages to be a PARTNERSHIP and we need to communicate that to our spouse to make that happen.

4 - Talk about Finances
Ugh - money! This is a definitely a source of contention in so many marriages. Who balances the checkbook? How do we spend the money? How much should we save? Are both husband and wife going to work? 

The website quotes "If you are over worked, over extended, and over tired, you put your marriage at risk." If you feel like you are bringing more to the table in worked hours or financially then your spouse does and you are not okay with that, talk about ways to fix it. There is a reason this topic causes so many divorces, if money is tight, stress can seem overwhelming.

5 -  Simplify Your Lives
"Reevaluate how you both spend your time and consider how to simplify your lives whether you are newlyweds, a couple with children, or an empty nest couple."

Sometimes I feel like there isn't enough time in the day for necessary things, let alone dates or romantic things in the marriage. But take time - get rid of the things that are unnecessarily taking up your time - whether that be blogging, video games, tv, shopping, etc. We all enjoy having our hobbies on the side (and you should!) but if getting rid of one of them will allow you more time with your spouse - do it! Replace it with things like taking walks with your spouse, reading a book together, talking.

 We all know that marriage takes work, a lot of work, but it's worth it for a happy life together!

Food for Thought...

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

- Author Unknown

Expressions of Love

http://youtu.be/hkOnH36S_pY

The Importance of Dating

Dating your spouse? Yes, that's what I'm talking about! Just because you are married doesn't mean the dating should stop. There NEEDS to be that opportunity when the two of you take that time out of your busy lives to do something fun together and remember how great each others company is. Can I just emphasize the importance of LEAVING THE KIDS AT HOME! Once in a while it's okay to bring your kids along on a date or two, but your marriage need the time without any distractions.

Just remember, the date doesn't need to be expensive or extravagant. Check out some of the links on side of this page for ideas. They are FANTASTIC! What's wrong with a cheap picnic together in the park or a bike ride around the neighborhood? Sometimes the cheapest ones are the best! One time my husband and I did a dinner for less than ten dollars and then went for a quick drive up the canyon and parked and talked. Super simple, but one of the best nights! No kids, no work, no distractions - just the two of us talking about goofy stuff that helps strengthen that bond.

If you don't date your spouse, does it mean that your marriage will fail? Definitely not, but in this day and age, your marriage needs the best fighting chance you can get! You need to continue to enrich your marriage by taking TIME for one another.

Don't forget - babysitters aren't always needed; dates don't even have to be outside the home. Trust me, I have young children and I know that making plans and going out isn't always possible. Have you ever thought about planning something romantic after the kids go to bed like a candlelit desert or dancing on the back porch? One year, my husband and I had just had a baby and didn't have the money to go stay in a fancy bed and breakfast on our anniversary, so we turned our bedroom into something fun. I changed up the decor and gave it a whole new feel (check out this link I used from the Love Actually Blog: http://loveactually-blog.blogspot.com/2009/03/your-title-here-bed-breakfast.html).

I just want to emphasize how IMPORTANT I think dates are - whether you are doing them once a week or once a month - you need to make it a priority! Your marriage needs to be a priority!

Remember to make the planning of the dates fun too! Trade off with your spouse - he finds the babysitter and you plan the date or vice versa. I KNOW it's hard to leave your kids home with someone, but make sure to find someone you trust and that you're comfortable with (Grandparents are great for this!) Or even invite some of your friends along - make it a group date. More of the great dates I have had have been with some great couples we know!! So fun!

Also, if you are struggling to find babysitters or have to money to pay for a sitter, why not start a babysitter co-op in your neighborhood? There are many families who feel the same way and you could trade off have a few extra kids at your house on a Friday or Saturday night in turn for your kids to be taken care of on your date nights - another great way to save money.

What are some fun things you have done for dates and what are some ways you keep them inexpensive?

Choose Wisely

President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but also with eternal joys. It affects not only the two people involved, but also their families and particularly their children and their children’s children down through the many generations. In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong”

Divorce - Part II

I was reading an article on KSL.com the other day and came across these words that I think are helpful when considering divorce or struggling with any problems in marriage:

The first priority, when any problem arises in a marriage, is to commit. The couple's relationship and family are the most important thing. Put aside differences and acknowledge the sacredness of the love that exists. Remember all the positive reasons the marriage worked in the first place and can still work in the future. Choose to love. When marriage is viewed as something sacred, something consecrated, it will be easier for the relationship to grow deeper and stronger.

Elder Lynn G. Robbins taught members of the LDS Church this important principle in an article in the Ensign magazine, a publication of the LDS Church, titled "Agency and Love in Marriage." He said , "Too many believe that love is a condition, a feeling that involves 100 percent of the heart, something that happens to you. They disassociate love from the mind and, therefore, from agency. In commanding us to love, the Lord refers to something much deeper than romance — a love that is the most profound form of loyalty. He is teaching us that love is something more than feelings of the heart; it is also a covenant we keep with soul and mind."

Every marriage is made of two different people coming together, two unique halves trying to make a whole. There will always be a need to compromise.  Decide together the best way to talk to and teach children, to respect the differences, to handle family traditions and, most importantly, problems that arise.
 
Elder Robbins said in the same Ensign article,  "Because love is as much a verb as it is a noun, the phrase “I love you” is much more a promise of behavior and commitment than it is an expression of feeling."
In a world constantly eager for the easy way out, any difference can be a reason for divorce. Husbands and wives that band together despite their religious differences and honor the love and attributes that brought them together in the first place can stay strong and defeat the odds.

Every single marriage has problems, even the ones you see as "perfect". There are going to be times when divorce seems like the path to go down and like I mentioned before, there are needs for those times, but if you and your spouse can make it work - DO it!  Do what it takes - separate for a while, spend some time along, spend some time together without the kids, talk to a counselor, talk to each other, remember what made you fall in love in the first place, get help, do service for your spouse, read some marriage books, there are so many things to help you out there - Stay strong and defeat the odds!

Can I say it better, I think not

Elder Richard G. Scott said some pretty profound words about marriage and I wanted to share them:
"Marriage provides an ideal setting for overcoming any tendency to be selfish or self-centered. I think one of the reasons that we are counseled to get married early in life is to avoid developing inappropriate character traits that are hard to change."

Haven't you found that in your own life - marriage helps us overcome our selfishness. Isn't one of the main reasons that we are here are on Earth is to overcome our own self-centered desires and aren't we commanded to be married? See how they go hand in hand - how incredibly thought provoking and inspired!

Divorce - Part I

I was reading a quote by Elder David A. Bednar and it really got me thinking:

"Unfortunately many young members of the Church today are fearful of and stumble in their progress toward eternal marriage because they have seen too much of divorce in the world and of broken covenants in their homes and in the Church."

I can tell you first hand that I have seen too much of divorce in the world. Last year my father got divorced for the 8th time - yes, I really said 8th. It's hard to see someone you care about go through such a loss. But how do we have faith rather than fear of that possible loss? How do we keep divorce out of our own marriages?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger quotes: "There was a time I let the word divorce into my vocabulary, and once you say it, it becomes a part of you and suddenly it consumes you. I was very close to divorce, and I was sure I no longer loved my husband. All I could think of was ME, and what I deserved, and everything I gave to him was attached to the condition that I get something in return. I am not sure that is the reason it wasn’t returned-no one likes to receive with expectations. Every moment at home, all I did was complain of not having enough. I spent so much time wondering what was in it for me, that I didn’t see just how much I already had!”  

Marriage is truly one of the hardest things you will ever do. Once you allow yourself to dwell on the thought of it ending, doesn't it seem easier and easier to think about that everytime something goes wrong or gets hard? And trust me, things do go wrong and get hard quite often!

(Let's not forget that some marriages need to end - trust me, I get that. I have seen that in my own family that divorce is necessary. But there are also many marriages have we witnessed in our own lives that could have possibly been saved through communication, forgiveness, selflessness and unconditional love?)

We are so blessed to have so many resources open that give us the opportunity to endure through the hard times, heal from the mistakes and communicate to move on. We HAVE to remember we are not perfect and neither is our spouse. Whether we have the Gospel in our lives or not, crap still gets in our marriage. There so many things that can cause hardship and disputes like in-laws, pornography, addictions, affairs, money problems - I could go on, but everyone who has ever been in a marriage knows. 

The real question is: Is divorce in your vocabulary? When the hard times hit and something like an addiction engulfs your spouse are you ready to head out the door because "this isn't how marriage is suppose to be?" We need to create own own fairytale and fight for our marriage hand in hand with our spouse - 

Marriage was worth it enough it in the beginning to say 'I do' and will be even better it if you can endure to the end - like the saying goes "No one ever said it was going to be easy, but it will be worth it!" 

MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE WORTH IT!

The Five Love Languages

Many people have read this book titled "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. I had heard about it when others were reading it in a marriage class and I thought I would take the opportunity to see how it could help me.

The Five Love Languages are listed as:
 - Words of Affirmation
 - Quality Time
 - Receiving Gifts
 - Acts of Service
 - Physical Touch

As it goes into detail on what each of these are there were some quotes that I wanted to share that really stuck out:

"What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage."

"People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need."

"Recent research has indicated that the average individual only listens for seventeen seconds before interrupting."

"Your picture of a perfect mate should give you some idea of your primary love language."

Definitely thought provoking quotes - check out the book and read it with your spouse, it might change your relationship for the better. You can even click on this link and test to see what your love language is:
www.5lovelanguages.com

For a laugh...

 - Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight. (Or as my husband would say, stay up and fight naked) ~ Author Unknown

  - All marriages are happy.  It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.  ~Raymond Hull

 - A first-rate marriage is like a first-rate hotel:  expensive, but worth it.  ~Mignon McLaughlin

 - Home cooking:  where many a man thinks his wife is.  ~Author Unknown

 - For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.  ~Bill Cosby, Love and Marriage

The Five Love Languages